


The Lord of the Rings, film (theatrical edition), condensed

by mollyringwraith



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Fun, Gen, Humor, Parody, condensed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:55:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29963973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollyringwraith/pseuds/mollyringwraith
Summary: I wrote these back when the films were being released, and they had a good viral run on LiveJournal (oh! how that dates me), but I'm going to put them here now too, as AO3 is the place to be. :)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. The Fellowship of the Ring (film), condensed

MORDOR (always a cheery place to start a story)

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Once upon a time, there was a bad guy.

SAURON struts out and starts whacking people left and right.

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Things looked bleak. But wait!

ISILDUR slices off SAURON's hand and pulls the RING from the ashes. Shock wave ensues.

RING: New bearer, eh? All righty; time to resize. (*shrinks to fit*)

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Everything turned out okay. Well, not exactly...

RIVER

ISILDUR gets pierced by arrows and thrown in river. RING tumbles underwater.

RING: Eek! Help! I can't swim!

GALADRIEL (V.O.): And that was that for the Ring. Well, not exactly...

A hand reaches down and picks it up.

GOLLUM (V.O.): Prrrreciousss.

RING: Hello, stranger. Thanks for saving me from that big bad river. What say we go back to your place and get to know each other?

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Gollum fell for the Ring's pick-up lines and took it home. Then eventually a hobbit stole it.

CAVE

BILBO: Yuck. There's fish guts on this thing.

RING: Yes. Please. Polish me. I'll do whatever you want. I mean, as long as it's evil.

GALADRIEL (V.O.): And the time will soon come when hobbits will enter the twisted minds of all.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: God, I'm going to be so lost during this movie. None of this stuff's going to matter later, right?

THE SHIRE

FRODO pops into view, smiling a huge innocent smile.

AUDIENCE: Hehehe! Elijah Wood looks so funny with a perm! I'll never be able to take him seriously.

GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. I've come to smoke with your uncle.

FRODO: All right. Can I try on your hat?

GANDALF: Whatever for?

FRODO: I've been wondering which house I'll be put into. I'm hoping it's not Slytherin, but you never know with us Bagginses.

VICINITY OF PARTY TREE

While a giggling FRODO throws SAM into ROSIE's arms, MERRY and PIPPIN crawl into view and steal some fireworks.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Hey, neat. Petty criminals.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Brandybuck and Took heirs, actually, but whatever.

BILBO gets up for a speech.

BILBO: I'm smarter than the lot of you! But I'll miss you anyway. Well, one-tenth of the one-half of you who I spent twice as much time with as I ever wanted to, for one-fifteenth of my life. So. Goodbye.

BILBO vanishes. FRODO's laughter vanishes too, pretty much forever as far as this trilogy's concerned.

BAG END

GANDALF: Bilbo. Put your hands where I can see them, and step away from the Ring.

BILBO: Fine. No, I don't want to! Oh, all right, I will. No, I won't! Seriously, though, I will. Except I won't!

GANDALF: Don't make me get ten feet tall.

BILBO: Eek! I give.

BILBO hugs GANDALF and leaves. GANDALF approaches RING super-slowly and upside-down.

RING: BOO!! (*thunderclap* *Eye of Sauron*)

AUDIENCE jumps and spills popcorn everywhere.

GANDALF: Right, so I think I'll just leave that on the floor and let Frodo deal with it.

BAG END, UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER

FRODO wanders inside to find his living room ransacked. As he frowns over the fact that someone has set a glass down on the desk without using a coaster, GANDALF emerges from the dark, looking a total mess, and seizes him.

FRODO: Cripes! You scared me. Er, can I get you a comb or anything?

GANDALF: No, thank you. Fondle this and tell me what happens.

GANDALF drops RING into FRODO's hands with tongs.

FRODO: Nothing. No, wait: there's graffiti. "Frodo lives"? What's that all about?

GANDALF: (sigh) It belongs to He Who Must Not Be Named, and it's about to ruin the world. Not to mention your social life.

FRODO: Whoa, this was made by Sauron?

RING: Oh! Sauron! Yes! Yes! Give me back to my evil sugar daddy, pleeeease.

GANDALF: Frodo. Don't excite the Ring. There's a reason we don't say that guy's name, see?

FRODO: Got it. Now what?

GANDALF: You pack and run. I'm going to see another wizard. He'll make everything okay.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah!

There is a noise outside. GANDALF reaches out the window and drags SAM in by the ear.

GANDALF: Stalking Frodo again, are we?

SAM: I'm sorry, sir, I won't do it again. Don't turn me into anything unnatural.

GANDALF: Oh, I know exactly what to do with you.

THE SHIRE

FRODO and GANDALF trudge along, leading a horse.

AUDIENCE: Hah! Gandalf turned him into a horse!

SAM jogs into view behind them.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Never mind.

GANDALF: Listen, lads: things are now getting so dangerous that I'm going to totally abandon you. Sound good?

FRODO: Um...

GANDALF: Right. Bye, then.

GANDALF takes off. FRODO and SAM trudge across country for a while, till MERRY and PIPPIN and several VEGETABLES come flying out of the corn and bowl them over.

FRODO: What the hell are you doing?

MERRY: Running from the law! Go, go, go!

The four start running while PIPPIN verbally catalogues everything they've stolen in the last 72 hours.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Are you sure they're not petty criminals?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: I...all right, they stole stuff in the book too. But they're high-class criminals with hearts of gold!

FOREST

FRODO: Guys? The leaves are swirling in a particularly evil way. I suggest we hide.

They hide under a log. RINGWRAITH looms above them. Meanwhile, FRODO fondles the RING.

RING: So - "Frodo," is it? Has anyone ever told you you've got the most beautiful eyes? Hey, want to try me on? Go ahead - what could happen?

SAM slaps the RING for its audacity. RINGWRAITH gets distracted by ice cream truck down the road and trots off.

MERRY: Frodo, you dog. Why didn't you tell us you were running from the law too?

FRODO: Listen, um - if you two don't have anything to do for the next few months and happen to have some clothes and food packed, do you want to come on a potentially fatal mission with us?

MERRY and PIPPIN: Yeah! Sounds fun!

ISENGARD

SARUMAN: Come into my dark, foreboding black tower. Can I take your coat?

GANDALF: Thanks! So listen, it's definitely the One Ring. Frodo Baggins has it - here, I brought you a dossier on him. He should get to the Inn of the Prancing Pony about 6:05 tonight. He and his friends will probably go to bed around 11:00, and they won't bother to lock their door.

SARUMAN: Very useful. Can I take your staff?

GANDALF: Uh, I'd rather you didn't.

SARUMAN: Too late; already did. Can I throw you against the wall?

GANDALF: Oof! Hey!

SARUMAN: Can I bloody your nose? Can I polish the floor with your head? Can I lock you on the top of the tower? Excellent! 

BREE

MERRY: So we're miles away from home, being chased by Black Riders, and seem to be missing a wizard. What should we do?

PIPPIN: Get drunk?

MERRY: On it.

Meanwhile, the RING continues to chat up FRODO.

RING: You know, I've seen a lot of hobbits in my time, but you're taller than some, and definitely fairer than most. No, you really are. Can I, uh, get on your finger? It'll be fun. Come on.

FRODO swoons and falls over. RING pounces onto his finger. EVERYONE IN BREE stares at the Amazing Disappearing Hobbit trick.

FRODO: Oops.

ARAGORN intervenes, getting all four hobbits into a private chamber in thirty seconds flat.

ARAGORN: You lads have a lot to learn. You're staying in my room tonight.

FRODO: That's...very kind of you, but we'd rather not.

ARAGORN: No no: you four would get in the beds; I'd keep watch.

SAM: Can I whack him in the knees with a candlestick, Mr. Frodo? Please?

ARAGORN: ...I'm not explaining this very well, am I.

BREE, LATER THAT NIGHT

RINGWRAITHS knife the hobbits' beds. Goosedown explodes into the air.

RINGWRAITH: Screeeeee! (Translation: "My word! They're made of feathers! How did they go running around like that?")

BREE, ARAGORN'S ROOM

ARAGORN: Told you.

WEATHERTOP

ARAGORN: Don't worry. I'll protect you. See you after dinner.

ARAGORN wanders off. RINGWRAITHS show up. HOBBITS brandish swords pathetically.

SAM: Go away! Shoo!

RINGWRAITH bats him aside.

MERRY: We kindly request that you go away!

PIPPIN: In the name of common decency!

RINGWRAITHS bat them aside.

FRODO: I haven't had time to practice using this sword yet, so I think it's safer if I just drop it and roll around on the ground.

SAM: No, Mr. Frodo! That's if you're on fire!

FRODO: Oh, damn it, I always mix those up.

Meanwhile, RING insinuates itself onto FRODO's hand again.

RING: Nazgul! My darlings! Over here!

FRODO: Shut up! Whose side are you on, anyway?

RING: Take a wild guess, nerd.

RINGWRAITH wanders over and stabs FRODO. ARAGORN appears with a torch and drives RINGWRAITHS away.

ARAGORN: Hm. Frodo seems to be dying. Let's get a move on.

SAM: Hey, great job protecting us, by the way.

FOREST

ARWEN rides up.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hey, Arwen, what'd you do, knock out Glorfindel and steal his horse?

ARAGORN: Sam, help me take off Frodo's shirt. Oh, hi, Arwen! Um, this isn't what it looks like.

ARWEN: Hi, dear. I'm kidnapping your friend.

FRODO: (wheeze) It's okay...I can ride by myself...

ARWEN: Nonsense. You're totally helpless; didn't you get the memo?

ARWEN picks him up and whisks him away.

RIVENDELL

FRODO awakens and looks around.

FRODO: Where am I? A candle store?

GANDALF: Rivendell. Close enough. Sorry I'm late, my boy. I got detained and had to catch a red-eye on Deus Ex Hawkina.

FRODO: What?

GANDALF: Never mind. Stupid pun.

ELROND strolls in.

ELROND: Welcome to Rivendell, Mister Anderson.

FRODO: Oh, so I took the blue pill? No wonder everything's so soft and comfy.

ELROND: No, that's just because it's Elven. Long have my people studied feng shui.

SAM runs into the room and jumps on the bed, knocking FRODO flat and showering kisses upon him.

FRODO: Goodness! Hello, Sam.

SAM: Hello, sir! Glad to see you're awake. Sorry for this show of affection, but Ian McKellen said this was how they did it in the book.

GANDALF: Yes, that's right, that's right, keep going.

RIVENDELL, DIFFERENT ROOM

GANDALF: So, Elrond, you're going to take the Ring and hide it behind one of these candle sconces, and nobody will ever know. Sound good?

ELROND: No way. I was there, Gandalf. I was there when Men ran out of strength. And conditioner.

FLASHBACK: MT. DOOM

ELROND watches as fuzzy-headed ISILDUR stands with the RING in the special Place to Throw Stuff Into Lava Room.

RING: (sniffle) You wouldn't destroy poor little ol' me, would you, Isildur? You handsome...strong...powerful man?

ISILDUR: Mmm...'scuse me, Elrond, the Ring and I need some privacy.

ISILDUR walks out, cuddling the RING.

ELROND: Noooo!

RIVENDELL

GANDALF: Wait a second, you just let him walk by you? Right out of Mount Doom, with the Ring in his hand?

ELROND: Um...well...

GANDALF: Why didn't you stop him? Didn't you have a sword on you?

ELROND: Look, we're not here to talk about ME, all right?

RIVENDELL, NIGHT

ARAGORN and ARWEN sneak out to meet each other on a bridge.

ARAGORN: Hi, babe. Hey, you said you would bind yourself to me, so I brought this rope...

ARWEN: Not till we're married, darling.

ARAGORN: (pouts) Fine. Can we still make out?

ARWEN: Of course.

ARAGORN and ARWEN make out for a little while.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Just FYI, these two minutes, right here, contain more kissing than Tolkien ever wrote in his whole life.

COUNCIL OF ELROND

ELROND: This Ring must be destroyed. It has to be taken, by one of you, back into the dark land where it was created.

BOROMIR: Florida?

ARAGORN: Mordor, you idiot.

BOROMIR: Don't call me an idiot, dork.

LEGOLAS: This is no mere dork. This is your King. And my boyfriend.

Silence as entire COUNCIL stares at ARAGORN and LEGOLAS.

ARAGORN: (in Elvish) Great, Legolas. Just great.

LEGOLAS: I meant that in a..."we're boys and we're friends" kind of way. 

ELROND: Ahem. Regardless, somebody still needs to get rid of the Ring.

FRODO: Oh, hell, I'll do it.

BOROMIR: But you're so tiny and fragile.

FRODO: Yeah, well, the rest of you appear to be spineless jerks, so I guess it's down to me.

GANDALF: Then I'll come too.

ARAGORN: Me too!

LEGOLAS: Me too!

GIMLI: Me too!

BOROMIR: Me too!

SAM: Me too!

MERRY: Me too!

PIPPIN: Me too!

ELROND: Enough. Stop. Nine's a good number: one to be killed by each Ringwraith.

FRODO: What?

ELROND: Nothing. Okay, let me get my camera. Stand close together. Everyone in the Fellowship of the Ring, say, "Cheeeeese!"

FELLOWSHIP: Cheeeeese!

*snapshot*

SNOWS OF CARADHRAS

FRODO falls over. BOROMIR picks up RING.

BOROMIR: It's strangely cute, you know?

RING: Hi, big boy. Steward of Gondor, huh? Wow. That's totally hot.

BOROMIR: Really, you think so? You want to come home to meet my dad?

ARAGORN: Boromir. No. Give the skanky thing back to Frodo.

HIGHER UP MOUNTAIN

Avalanche is in progress. FELLOWSHIP digs themselves out.

GIMLI: Has anyone else noticed this is not working?

GANDALF: I guess we could go through your mines. Frodo? You decide.

FRODO: What, like I've ever been here before?

GANDALF: Decide anyway.

FRODO: Since it sucks to have bare feet on a glacier, I vote for the mines.

GANDALF: Back down the mountain, everyone!

LEGOLAS: I can walk on top on the snow. Anyone want a piggyback ride?

FELLOWSHIP causes another avalanche in their rush to take LEGOLAS up on his offer.

FRONT DOOR TO MORIA

FELLOWSHIP is staring blankly at riddle.

GANDALF: "Speak friend and enter"? Hm. I'm at a loss. Anyone have a credit card? I could pick the lock.

FRODO: No, wait - Gandalf, what's the Elvish word for "friend"?

LEGOLAS: Oh, don't ask the ELF or anything.

WATCHER IN WATER taps FRODO on the shoulder with a tentacle.

WATCHER: 'Scuse me, do you know what time it is?

FELLOWSHIP freaks out and fires arrows at it.

WATCHER: Well, if you're going to be like that, I'll just find the watch myself...

WATCHER picks up FRODO and tries to shake stuff out of his pockets. FELLOWSHIP, amid much hysteria, rescues FRODO and runs away into the mines.

WATCHER: What? Hey, wait, you didn't close the door! I'll get that for you. Hey, you! Pony! Do you happen to have the time?

MORIA

Darkness. GANDALF's staff lights up, illuminating the caves.

GANDALF: Luckily, I just replaced the batteries in this thing. Let's go.

FRODO: Gandalf, Gollum's following us.

GANDALF: I know.

FRODO: And I don't like it.

GANDALF: Tough.

FRODO: And I wish I never saw the stupid Ring in the first place.

GANDALF: Well, gosh, look at the bright side: at least your poor little feet aren't buried in the snow anymore. That's what you wanted, isn't it?

FRODO: Hey, I could do without the sarcasm.

They find a tomb and a lot of dwarf skeletons.

GIMLI: Oh. So that's why Balin never answered any of my calls.

PIPPIN flings a skeleton into a well. The echoes resound throughout the caves.

ORCS: Let's go Mor-dor! (*thud thud thud-thud-thud*) Let's go Mor-dor! (*thud thud thud-thud-thud*)

GANDALF: Great, 'cause you know what I was just saying the other day? "Why not bring Pippin along? We need someone to cause unholy amounts of noise and wake up every living goblin in Moria."

They fight a TROLL and several ORCS and GOBLINS. Before being brought down by CG LEGOLAS, the TROLL manages to spear FRODO. FELLOWSHIP clusters around him.

FRODO: I'm okay. See? (exposes sparkly camisole)

ARAGORN: Um, I think you may have a concussion, Frodo. Now is not the time to show us your underwear.

GANDALF: It's armor. And don't discourage him from such ideas.

They run across a toppling bridge. A BALROG rears up behind them.

GANDALF: It's okay; I've got this one. Balrog, Flame of Udun, good evening. As a duly designated representative of the country of Middle-earth, I order you to cease any and all evil supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!

ARAGORN: Yeah, that ought to do it. Thanks, Gandalf.

BALROG catches GANDALF in his whip and pulls him into the abyss.

FRODO: Oh my God, he killed Gandalf!

BOROMIR: That bastard!

OUTSIDE MORIA

SAM: (sob)

PIPPIN: (sob)

MERRY: (sob)

GIMLI: Arr!

BOROMIR: This sucks.

LEGOLAS: I am confused. What just happened?

ARAGORN: Would you crybabies get up? We have places to be.

FRODO turns around slowly. Tears spill down his face.

ARAGORN: Oh, great. Come on, guys, now we really have to run. By nightfall these hills will be swarming with fangirls trying to hug Frodo and make him feel better.

FOREST NEAR LOTHLORIEN

GIMLI: Everyone be quiet! I hear there are big ugly Elves around here, and—oops.

ELVES are surrounding them with arrows drawn. HALDIR sashays out from among them.

HALDIR: How do you do? I see you've met my faithful handymen.

ARAGORN: Haldir of Lorien, we need you to take us to your leader. I insist. I insist in Elvish.

HALDIR: How forceful you are, Aragorn. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. You must be awfully proud of him, Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Well, yes, I am.

FRODO: If I throw rice and toilet paper, will you all knock it off and take us into Lothlorien?

REST OF CAST: (sulking) Fine. But there BETTER be a Rocky-Horror-style viewing of 'Lord of the Rings' someday.

LOTHLORIEN

GALADRIEL and CELEBORN greet the FELLOWSHIP.

CELEBORN: Welcome. I have plugged in the all-white Christmas lights. I hope you find them pleasant.

GALADRIEL: Good evening. I see you lost Gandalf. Do better next time. I will now proceed to read your minds, and oh for the love of mercy, Aragorn, stop thinking about tying up my granddaughter that way.

FRODO: (as voice in his own mind) Um, that was me.

GALADRIEL: (as voice in FRODO's mind) No, you were thinking about resting your face in her bosom on some horseback ride, and – hey! Don't bring ME into it!

LOTHLORIEN, BIRDBATH

FRODO: I'm glad you could sneak out and meet me.

GALADRIEL: Don't flatter yourself, Frodo Baggins. Look in the mirror.

FRODO: I have something on my face?

GALADRIEL: Just look.

FRODO: Whoa! The Shire's being destroyed! That's awful!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: I bet we'll see that in the third movie. That's going to be totally cool.

PETER JACKSON: (*cough*) Yes, well.

FRODO: I can't take the pressure. Here. Have the Ring.

RING: Hey, pretty lady. You and me would look GORGEOUS together. Touch me, that's it…

GALADRIEL: Ooh…if I had the Ring, I could…I could turn GREEN! And BLACK! And make my voice all WEIRD and WARPED, and make THUNDER resound throughout the forest!

FRODO: Holy cow.

GALADRIEL recovers.

GALADRIEL: Dear me. How unladylike. 

FRODO: Frankly, I don't think you NEED the Ring to scare the hell out of people. You're doing just fine without it.

RIVERBANK

FELLOWSHIP gets out of boats.

LEGOLAS: The western shore causes me angst. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind.

ARAGORN: That's pretty. Did you write it yourself?

MERRY: Dude. Go find Frodo. We've been here, like, thirty seconds and you already lost track of him.

ARAGORN: Wow, you're right.

FOREST

BOROMIR: Hi, kiddo. Can I see your Ring?

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Just want to borrow it.

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Come ON.

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Don't make me hit you.

FRODO: Don't make me get invisible and hit YOU.

BOROMIR: Oof. Good one. Damn, I need one of those rings. 

FOREST, HIGHER UP

ARAGORN: There you are.

FRODO: Strider, I'm leaving the Fellowship and striking out on my own.

ARAGORN: Well, solo albums seldom do very well, but if you feel you must...

ARAGORN kneels and looks at the RING in FRODO's hand.

RING: Ohhh, Aragorn, you're so big and powerful...take me, please...

ARAGORN folds FRODO's fingers over the RING and backs away.

RING: Ugh. These @#$*&% goody-two-shoes never do what I want. That's it; I'm not talking to anyone anymore.

ARAGORN: Uh-oh. Blue light special on aisle nine, Frodo.

FRODO: Huh?

ARAGORN: Sting. Glowing. Orcs. Go!

FRODO: Oh! Gotcha.

FRODO runs away.

FOREST, AGAIN

ARAGORN finds BOROMIR on the ground, with arrows in him.

BOROMIR: The Orcs kidnapped Merry and Pippin.

ARAGORN: Eh, no biggie. How are you?

BOROMIR: Been better. Hey, I'm sorry I called you a dork. Captain, my captain.

ARAGORN: I forgive you. I sometimes am a dork.

BOROMIR: And tell Frodo I'm sorry I molested him.

ARAGORN: Okay.

BOROMIR: And tell my brother I've always been jealous of his slender waist, and I'm sorry for all the times I called him a girly-man.

ARAGORN: Uh…okay...

BOROMIR: I used to borrow my dad's horse without asking. It was very wrong of me and I'm sorry.

ARAGORN: Do I need to get a pen and write all this down?

BOROMIR: No, I'm done. (*dies*)

RIVERBANK

FRODO, alone, holding RING miserably, hears GANDALF's voice in his head.

AUDIENCE: Oh, sure, bring back the voice of the dead guy. Like I wasn't on the verge of tears already. Now poor Frodo's crying...(*sniffle*)

SKEPTICS IN AUDIENCE: I thought you said you could never take him seriously, when the movie started.

AUDIENCE: Did I? I can't recall my life before, now.

FRODO jumps into a boat and paddles out into the river. SAM comes crashing after him.

SAM: Wait for me! I'll kill myself if you don't!

FRODO: (rescuing him) What are you, one of my fangirls?

SAM: I am, sir. Your very biggest fan.

FRODO: Aw, Sam. Let's hug and launch a thousand ships, what do you say?

RIVERBANK, A FEW MINUTES LATER

LEGOLAS: The evil jewelry is out of our reach. Now what do we do?

ARAGORN: Guess we should rescue Merry and Pippin. Frodo might get mad if we lose them.

GIMLI: So? Not like we'll ever see him again.

ARAGORN: You'll get to split Orcs' heads with your axe.

GIMLI: Oh! Now that's a good reason. I'm in.

CLIFF OVERLOOKING SCENIC MORDOR

SAM: Was nice knowing those guys.

FRODO: Yep. Well, let's go.

SAM and FRODO start walking. Credits roll.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: What?? That's it?? That's not an ending!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Were you not aware that it was a trilogy?

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: That shouldn't matter! I want closure!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK shove a paperback copy of 'The Two Towers' into the hands of PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, and walk off, grumbling about illiterates.

THE END

CREDITS:

Sorting Hat joke contributed by my husband Steve, who is also responsible for "Deus Ex Hawkina" and the Lemony-Snicket-ish "an expression which here means..."

"They're made of feathers" originally said by Dom and Billy (and perhaps others).

Arwen stealing Glorfindel's horse contributed by a large handful of book-readers, including but not limited to LJ users boz816, melime, and pk2317.

"...Mister Anderson" contributed by pretty much everyone.

Rivendell's resemblance to a candle store originally voiced by some reviewer on Ain't It Cool News.

Men running out of strength and conditioner contributed by Jed Miller.

"He's my boyfriend" contributed by LJ user melabelo (with a touch of _Young Frankenstein_ ).

Orc football chant from April-of-Massachusetts.


	2. The Two Towers, condensed (formerly called The Ten-Minute Two Towers)

CARADHRAS  
  
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?

BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.

GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year.  
  
  
  
EMYN MUIL  
  
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.  
  
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.  
  
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?   
  
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...  
  
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.   
  
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.  
  
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!  
  
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.  
  
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.  
  
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you weirdo.  
  
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?  
  
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.  
  
  
  
RIDDERMARK  
  
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...  
  
LEGOLAS: And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it. That's one of my favorites.  
  
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..?  
  
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.  
  
ARAGORN: Thank you, that's...useful...  
  
EOMER: Yeah, my bad. Here, have some horses.  
  
  
  
FANGORN FOREST  
  
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!  
  
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.  
  
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!  
  
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.  
  
  
  
FANGORN FOREST (next day)  
  
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?   
  
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!  
  
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!  
  
  
  
EDORAS  
  
MOLLY: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.  
  
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.  
  
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.  
  
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!  
  
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.  
  
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.  
  
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.  
  
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!  
  
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.  
  
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.  
  
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.  
  
  
  
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP  
  
LEGOLAS: Wargs!  
  
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.  
  
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?  
  
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.  
  
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.  
  
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!  
  
ARAGORN falls off cliff.  
  
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!  
  
  
  
ITHILIEN  
  
SAM: Gollum is such a freak.  
  
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.  
  
SAM: What? He IS a freak.  
  
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?  
  
SAM: Why are you picking on me?  
  
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know.  
  
SAM: What the HELL?  
  
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.  
  
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing...  
  
FRODO: Oh, spare me.  
  
FRODO stomps off.  
  
  
  
RIVENDELL  
  
ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.  
  
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.  
  
ARWEN: Why do you say that?  
  
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.  
  
ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.  
  
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.  
  
  
  
HELM'S DEEP  
  
ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.  
  
LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?  
  
ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.  
  
  
  
RIVENDELL  
  
GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?  
  
ELROND: Yes, speaking.  
  
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond, it's Galadriel.  
  
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?  
  
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien, where else would I be? Listen, I wanted to talk to you about Frodo. He and Aragorn have SO much to do.  
  
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter.

GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.  
  
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on, I'm getting another telepathy call.  
  
GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?  
  
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?  
  
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!  
  
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.  
  
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?  
  
GANDALF: No. Yes. Doesn't matter. Quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep.  
  
GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?  
  
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.  
  
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable.  
  
  
  
HELM'S DEEP  
  
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.  
  
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.  
  
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.  
  
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.  
  
LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.  
  
ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.   
  
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.  
  
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?  
  
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?  
  
  
  
FANGORN FOREST  
  
PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...  
  
MERRY: I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.  
  
  
  
ITHILIEN  
  
SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.  
  
GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!   
  
SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.  
  
GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.  
  
FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.  
  
SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill.  
  
GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...  
  
FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.  
  
SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...  
  
FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!  
  
GOLLUM: Where?  
  
SAM: Where?  
  
FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?  
  
FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.  
  
FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.  
  
  
  
HELM'S DEEP  
  
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femme people at the gate. They have bows.  
  
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.  
  
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.  
  
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...  
  
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.  
  
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!  
  
  
  
HENNETH ANNUN  
  
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?  
  
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.  
  
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?  
  
SAM: His gardener.  
  
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?  
  
SAM: Exactly.  
  
FRODO: Righ—What??  
  
  
  
HELM'S DEEP  
  
ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...  
  
LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.  
  
ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.  
  
GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!  
  
ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?  
  
GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!  
  
ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...  
  
GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!  
  
  
  
FANGORN FOREST  
  
TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.  
  
PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.  
  
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...  
  
MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!  
  
PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.  
  
TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.  
  
PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.   
  
MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks)  
  
PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?  
  
TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.  
  
  
  
OSGILIATH  
  
FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.  
  
FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—I'm cutting your throat.  
  
SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...  
  
FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.  
  
SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.  
  
FRODO: I suppose. Sorry, dude.  
  
FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.  
  
SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...  
  
  
  
ISENGARD  
  
TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.  
  
TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!  
  
MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.  
  
SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character...  
  
  
HELM'S DEEP  
  
GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.  
  
ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!   
  
GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.  
  
ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.  
  
SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced...  
  
FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...  
  
ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...  
  
EOWYN: What?  
  
ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.  
  
  
ISENGARD  
  
TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once.  
  
  
OSGILIATH  
  
SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-  
  
FRODO: SAM!!  
  
SAM: What?  
  
FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.  
  
SAM: Oh. Oh, good.  
  
  
  
EN ROUTE TO MORDOR  
  
SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.  
  
FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.  
  
SAM: Oh, and by the way?  
  
FRODO: Yes?  
  
SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.  
  
FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.  
  
SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?  
  
FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...  
  
GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...  
  
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she"? Who's "SHE"?  
  
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!

THE END


	3. The Return of the King, condensed

A RIVER, CENTURIES AGO

SMEAGOL and DEAGOL find the Ring and start fighting over it.

DEAGOL: Mine!

SMEAGOL: Mine!

DEAGOL: Mine!

SMEAGOL: Mine!

DEAGOL: Yours. (dies)

UNOFFICIAL ENTRANCE TO MORDOR

SAM: We can't trust Gollum! He's out to kill us!

FRODO: Really, Sam, you and your imagination. I suppose YOU have a better plan for getting into Mordor?

SAM: As a matter of fact I do. Hanggliding.

FRODO: Excuse me?

SAM: Hanggliding. It's all the rage in the Southfarthing. We make a big kite-like frame out of a lightweight wood, like balsa, if you follow me, and stretch some muslin across it; then we climb to the top of one of these mountains, wait for a warm updraft -

FRODO: I am NOT listening to this.

FRODO grabs GOLLUM's hand and walks away.

EDORAS

LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.

ARAGORN: What the hell is that? Poetry? I pay you to do two things: shoot stuff and look pretty. If you have something to tell me, tell me in normal words.

LEGOLAS: Fine. S-A-U-R-O-N is H-E-R-E. Simple enough for you?

(MEANWHILE, INSIDE IN EDORAS)

PIPPIN: I'm going to go look at that crystal bowling ball.

MERRY: Bad idea, Pip. Really seriously bad idea.

PIPPIN: No, it'll be fine. See? I just pick it up and AAAAHHHHH!!

ENTIRE CITY wakes up.

GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Now I must take you on a horseback ride.

MERRY: See what you did? Ugh. Why do I always hang out with the stupid ones?

ROHIRRIM CAMP

EOWYN: Here, little fellow. Put this armor on.

MERRY: Thanks much, my lady. Ooh, I don't think you fastened my belt right. Could you put your hands there again? ...Ahh, that's it; right there...

EOMER: Wow, sis, you are getting desperate.

EOWYN: Look at this hobbit: can you honestly tell me he isn't brave and handsome, and doesn't inspire your courage?

EOMER: (snicker) Uh, sure. Sure, he's great. Yeah. (gives MERRY thumbs-up sign) You go, dude.

FOREST SOMEWHERE

ARWEN sees a vision of a kid getting cuddled by ARAGORN.

ARWEN: Oh my gosh! My son is going to be a total cutie! He's SO going to be a male model. No way am I missing out on that.

ARWEN turns tail and rides back to Rivendell.

MINAS TIRITH

GANDALF: Don't say anything, Pippin. Hi, Denethor!

DENETHOR: Hi. My favorite son is dead and my life sucks.

PIPPIN: That's all my fault! I'll fight for you!

GANDALF: Agh. WHAT did I say, Pippin? 

ROHIRRIM CAMP

ELROND: So, we brought you this sword.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: About freaking time.

ARAGORN: Shiny. Thanks.

ELROND: Oh, and by the way, Arwen's sick. The longer the Ring goes undestroyed, the weaker she gets.

ARAGORN: Come off it. That's such a crock. There's no connection between her and the Ring.

ELROND: Yeah, well, I guess they don't teach you everything in Ranger school. It's just TRUE, okay? Now go pick up a ghost army and save your grimy unshaven people.

ROHIRRIM CAMP, LATER

EOWYN: I love you.

ARAGORN: Me? What? Oh. Um...listen, Ellen...

EOWYN: Eowyn.

ARAGORN: Right, Eowyn. You're a fine-looking woman, and I'm sure somebody will say to you someday, "Erin -"

EOWYN: *Eowyn*.

ARAGORN: "Eowyn...you're the only woman for me. Be my wife."

EOWYN: But it won't be you.

ARAGORN: Exactly! It won't be me. I'm glad we understand each other. Well kiddo, I've got to go. The Paths of the Dead beckon.

EOWYN: Don't do it! You'll never survive!

ARAGORN: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

MINAS TIRITH

PIPPIN: Any chance I can get out of fighting?

GANDALF: Probably not.

PIPPIN: Are Frodo and Sam going to make it?

GANDALF: Don't think so.

PIPPIN: Isn't there anything you can say to cheer me up?

GANDALF: Maybe you'll get decapitated. That should be quick and painless.

PIPPIN: Thanks. Good talk.

PATHS OF THE DEAD

GHOST: Hello! Welcome to the Paths of the Dead. We ask that you keep your hands and arms to yourselves at all times, as the ceiling is low in places, and fighting back will only prolong your ghastly death. Unless of course you are the heir of Isildur, in which case you and your party may pass.

ARAGORN: Hey, that's convenient. I AM the heir of Isildur!

GHOST: Got any ID?

ARAGORN: Sure, hang on a sec.

ARAGORN starts digging through his knapsack for his Ranger license.

AUDIENCE: I'm just not the least bit worried for them.

GHOST: (examines license) Okay, you're legit. Ooh, hang on: I'm sorry, but you must be at least as tall as this sign to enter. This kid with the beard can't come.

GIMLI: I'm a dwarf, not a child, you transparent twit.

ARAGORN: Really, he has to come along. He catches all the knee-level dangers for us.

LEGOLAS: Indeed, if we leave him behind, I do not know who I will taunt for the rest of the journey.

GHOST: Fine, fine. Let's go.

MINAS TIRITH

FARAMIR: Anything I can do for you, Dad?

DENETHOR: Yeah. Go die.

FARAMIR: Nice. Real nice.

FARAMIR storms out.

DENETHOR: Sing me a song, short man.

PIPPIN: I really don't feel like it.

DENETHOR: Aw, come on! Sing! Here's the karaoke song book - pick something.

PIPPIN: Well, if you insist... (clears throat) "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips...and there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips..."

OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH

FARAMIR leads the charge against the latest forces of Mordor.

FARAMIR: Who's your daddy?? HUH?? Who's your- ow.

FARAMIR, with arrows sticking through him, falls off horse.

PIPPIN (V.O.): "You're trying hard not to show it..."

GANDALF and DENETHOR (V.O.): "Bay-beh..."

PIPPIN (V.O.): "But bay-beh, baby I know it!..."

MINAS TIRITH

PIPPIN breaks down crying.

PIPPIN: I'm sorry. That song always gets to me. I miss Merry...

DENETHOR: What's that noise outside? Is that the sound of my good-for-nothing son getting dragged into the city by horses?

GANDALF: Yes, it appears to be. As I mentioned, Mordor is a serious threat and now most of your soldiers are dead.

DENETHOR: Crap! Run, everybody, run!

GANDALF: Oh, shut up.

GANDALF clocks DENETHOR and takes over.

VICINITY OF CIRITH UNGOL

GOLLUM: Dead hobbitses...(mutter mutter)...won't be long now...(mutter mutter)...will try wearing Ring on toe this time; yes, precious; very beautiful...

SAM: Hey! I heard that!

FRODO: Heard what?

GOLLUM: Nothing, Master! Fat hobbit wants Ring; yes, Master.

SAM: I do not!

FRODO: I think maybe you do. Gollum wouldn't lie to me, after all.

SAM: He's trying to kill us! We're walking straight into a trap. I'm not going one step further.

FRODO: Leave, then. I'm sick of your paranoid delusions anyhow.

SAM: But I...

FRODO: Go on - get out of here. Good riddance.

SAM: But you...

FRODO: Have a nice death.

FRODO stomps off. SAM stays behind, weeping piteously.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: ...the f**k??

CREEPY CAVE

FRODO gets tangled in a gigantic spiderweb.

FRODO: Egads! Does this mean a gigantic spider lives here?

GOLLUM: Ha ha! Smeagol tricked you, ssstupid hobbit! Did Master know "gullible" was not in dictionary?

FRODO: Oh, dear. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send Sam away.

AUDIENCE: Duh!

SHELOB appears and starts pounding down the tunnel. FRODO lights up the star-glass and gives us an all-too-clear look at her.

ARACHNOPHOBES IN AUDIENCE: Oh...dear...God.

FRODO cuts himself loose and runs like hell - but, being FRODO, falls down. GOLLUM jumps on him.

GOLLUM: Jussst kidding about "ssstupid" comment! Nice master! Hold still so spider can eat you, yes yes.

FRODO: I have a different plan, actually.

FRODO flings GOLLUM down an abyss.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: You know, it's interesting: even though I've read the book, I have no idea what's going on.

MINAS TIRITH

DENETHOR: So here's my plan: a barbecue. Featuring smoked and roasted stewards of Gondor. 

PIPPIN: Ohhh-kay, crazy man alert.

PIPPIN runs off to get help. DENETHOR gets busy pouring flammable stuff all over himself and FARAMIR.

DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oooh! Unconscious Faramir covered in oil! The things I could do with THAT scenario.

VICINITY OF CIRITH UNGOL

SHELOB is hovering above FRODO, who is oblivious.

AUDIENCE: (apparently thinking they're at a horror film) Look up! LOOK UP!! 

FRODO gets caught and bitten, and attractively foams at the mouth. SHELOB wraps him up in spider-silk. ARACHNOPHOBES are whimpering somewhere under their theatre seats. SAM shows up and saves day, stabbing SHELOB with borrowed sword.

SAM: Whew. All right, Mr. Frodo, I know I've teased you about running from spiders before, but I don't blame you for that one. Er, Mr. Frodo? (prod) Frodo?...

FRODO is not looking good. SAM begins weeping and cradling him.

SENTIMENTAL BOOK-READERS: Say "Don't go where I can't follow." Say "Don't go where I can't follow." 

SAM: Don't go where I can't follow!

SENTIMENTAL BOOK-READERS: Woohoo! I can die happy now.

SAM: Uh-oh; Orcs. Got to cut this short. So long, sir. (skitters and hides)

ORCS start prodding FRODO.

ORC #73: How long has he been dead?

ORC #89: Dead? Any COMPLETE IDIOT could tell he's not dead!

SAM: What??

ORC #42: Then let's take him upstairs and strip him. We should at least get to keep the change in his pockets.

SAM: Are you telling me...I had a chance...to give Mr. Frodo mouth-to-mouth...and I DIDN'T TAKE IT??

SAM flies into a murderous rage, killing about eighty Orcs in the space of half a minute.

OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH

Black Ships sail up, with ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and DEAD PEOPLE aboard, and save the day.

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on. Orlando Bloom as the token pretty-boy on a ship full of ghosts - yeah, we saw that over the summer. Next!

TOWER OF CIRITH UNGOL

SAM, lost, stops in a stairwell and sings out:

SAM: "The stars at night...are clear and bright..."

FRODO'S VOICE: (weak) "...deep in the heart of Texas..."

SAM charges that direction and kills an Orc mid-whip. FRODO is lying in a swoon on a heap of rags, half-naked.

DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oh, HECK yeah! Come on, sugar, get those hands out of the way.

OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Eww! You're corrupting my immaculate Tolkien experience!

SAM: Darling! You're alive!

FRODO: Sam, dear...if we ever get back to the Shire, remind me to enroll you in a First Aid course. We really must review how to find a pulse.

PELENNOR FIELDS

MOLLY: Quite a lot of intense fighting takes place here. Once again I shall try to sum up the highlights.

WITCH KING: (evil shriek)

THEODEN: Aaaagh!

EOWYN: Roaaaar!

MERRY: Um...roar! Yes! What she said!

WITCH KING delivers smackdown.

MERRY and EOWYN: Ow!

MERRY and EOWYN deliver counter-smackdown.

WITCH KING: Ow.

WITCH KING dies. EOWYN collapses. MERRY wanders off somewhere. PIPPIN finds him under an Orc.

PIPPIN: Merry! Long time no see!

MERRY: Hello, Pippin. (cough) Would you believe I...got lucky with a hot Rohirrim woman?

PIPPIN: Er...no. No, Merry, I wouldn't. I'm sorry; I want to humor you when you're this hurt; but no, that's really quite beyond the realm of credibility.

MERRY: Then how do you explain this...(cough)...lipstick on my armor?

PIPPIN: (cry of disbelief) No fair! All I got was an oily unconscious steward!

MORDOR

FRODO and SAM stumble into view wearing Orc gear. AUDIENCE bursts into giggles.

AUDIENCE: Somehow I don't think this is supposed to be funny, but it is.

FRODO: I'm forlorn. Desolate. Wretched.

SAM: Very eloquent, sir. Here I was just going to say, "This place sucks."

FRODO: I hate wearing shoes. Especially iron shoes. And this mask smells funny.

SAM: Well, that's to be expected.

FRODO swoons, draping himself over a boulder.

FRODO: Let me die. I cannot go on.

SAM: Sure you can. Think of the Shire.

FRODO: It never existed. You're lying.

SAM: Now, what were the rules we set?

FRODO: (humble) No more calling you a liar?

SAM: That's right. Now let's get you up.

(Five minutes later)

FRODO stumbles to his knees and hugs a rock.

FRODO: This is hopeless! We're doomed. We should have given the bloody thing to the Gondor brothers.

SAM inserts himself between FRODO and rock.

SAM: Sir. Remember our agreement.

FRODO: (humble) No wigging out?

SAM: That's right. Now will you stop wigging out if I move away from the rock?

FRODO: Yes.

(Five minutes later)

FRODO flings himself onto the ground and writhes in agony.

FRODO: I can't bear it. Life is horrid. My heart is shriveled and my soul is dead. The blackness of despair shrouds my eyes. I choke on pain and anguish.

SAM: That's it - no more listening to The Cure for you.

SAM picks FRODO up, slings him over his shoulder, and carries him up the mountain.

MINAS TIRITH

GANDALF: Now it's time to knock on death's door and invite them out to battle. Draw Sauron's eye to us instead of Frodo. 

ARAGORN: All in the hopes of giving Sam and Frodo a chance.

LEGOLAS: A diversion. 

ARAGORN: Yeah, thanks, Paraphrase Boy.

MOUNT DOOM

GOLLUM: Wait! Lassst chance! You know you want to sssee how pretty Ring looks on my toe, you know you do! Give it to us!

SAM: How about I pound your head with a rock instead?

FRODO: Know what? Change of plans. I'm not throwing it into the volcano.

SAM: Yes you are.

FRODO: No, I have a new idea: I'm going to take over the world. All shall love me and despair.

SAM: But I already love you and despair.

GOLLUM: Smeagol will take over world with you, yes yes! Give it to us!

FRODO: No!

GOLLUM: Yes!

FRODO: NO!

GOLLUM: YES! (chomp)

FRODO: Ow!!

GOLLUM falls triumphantly into fiery chasm from whence Ring came, taking FRODO's finger and the Ring with him. SAM hauls FRODO out of the special Place To Throw Stuff Into Lava room. They find temporary refuge from flowing molten lava on a boulder.

FRODO: Hey, I can remember the Shire again! Small comfort, considering we seem to have about five minutes to live.

SAM: It's a shame. Now I'll never get to marry Rosie Cotton.

FRODO: (startled) YOU want to marry a girl? Really?

SAM: Why is that so hard to believe?

FRODO: It's just - er - well - you know, I think I must have misinterpreted several things you've said over the past couple decades, Sam. Forgive me.

SAM: No matter. Could you hold me in your arms before we die, sir?

FRODO: See - like that statement, right there. Oh, who cares...

FRODO holds SAM in his arms. They pass out, but GIANT EAGLES rescue them.

WISEACRES IN AUDIENCE: So, how come the eagles didn't just pick them up in Rivendell and carry them straight to Mount Doom in the first place? Why did they have to WALK?

REST OF AUDIENCE: Shhh.

MINAS TIRITH

GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. Thanks for doing all the dirty work. Saved our butts, let me tell you.

FRODO: Gandalf! You're alive! Legolas! You're alive! Gimli! You too! Aragorn! Merry! Pippin! ...Okay, I'm starting to get tired. Are there many more of you?

MINAS TIRITH AGAIN

ARAGORN is getting coronated. He clears his throat and starts singing in Elvish.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Jeez, people sing a lot in this movie.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah. That's nothing. You ought to read the book.

LEGOLAS steps out, in bridal white and a coy smile. He and ARAGORN gaze into one another's eyes.

LEGOLAS: Are you ready to kiss your bride, my lord?

ARAGORN: Heck yeah. Come here, you.

LEGOLAS steps aside and lets ARWEN in.

ARAGORN: Oh! Arwen! Right. Wow, hi. Heh. Uh - come here, you.

ARAGORN kisses ARWEN. WATCHING ELVES smile as if the sight of a bristly-faced human tonguing a pristine Elf doesn't turn their stomach.

FARAMIR: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single noblewoman. Oh, well.

EOWYN: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single nobleman. Oh, well.

SHIRE

SAM and ROSIE are getting married. FRODO stands by, smiling generously. 

FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: (sobbing) This is the saddest scene in the whole trilogy.

GREY HAVENS

GANDALF: I will not say, "Do not weep," for not all tears are an evil.

AUDIENCE: Good, because that's all we've been doing for the last three hours.

FRODO: Goodbye, Pippin. I'm glad you found your courage. Goodbye, Merry. I'm glad you got to wear horse-themed armor. Sam...

FRODO hugs SAM.

FRODO: I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

FRODO kisses SAM on the forehead. FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS stop sobbing for a moment and perk up.

FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: Oh, hey! I totally need to screencap that and turn it into a profile pic.

SAM, however, is still weeping.

SAM: Can't I come join you, someday?

FRODO: Let's not talk about that. The audience doesn't need comforting with such pitiful little shreds of hope. Goodbye, my friends.

FRODO smiles as he sails away, at peace in the knowledge that he never again has to get up at five a.m. to have the makeup people put hobbit feet on him.

AUDIENCE: (sobbing) I can't believe it's over. What do I have left to live for now?

PETER JACKSON: Well, there's the extended version, due out in November. Complete with silly outtakes - I promise! And then someday there's the full-extra-special boxed set of 241 DVDs. And eventually there's that musical they're making...

AUDIENCE: November?? (crumples to the ground, weeping) You rip out my heart and tear it to shreds and mash it into the sticky popcorn on the theater floor, and then try to console me with freaking outtakes in freaking November?? I hate you, I hate you...I hate you...(*sniffle*)...Can we come back and see it again tomorrow?

PETER JACKSON: Of course you can, precious.

THE END


End file.
